Anxiety, Sports and Coping

I gotta be honest, I’m not sober while writing this – a few rum and cokes and buds will have that happen to someone-, but i am here at Camp Katrindo, a longstay of land which holds a number of cabins that have been occupied by numerous friends, family and others throughout the years and for some even decades. While listening to Car Seat Headrest, a band I just found out about a couple days ago while just searching punk music on Spotify I decide to talk about anxiety, something that I never really thought I had till I decided it was better for a wonderful professional to try and see if I indeed do have anxiety, and it turns out I do! Hey look at me. Anxiety I think is basically a constant worry and sometimes high energetic self doubt that goes on in my head. Heading to a big party? Scared to death of fitting in, what to say, and hell even why my shoes aren’t as cool as others. Kinda Fucked right? Yea it sure is, for most of the time I spend is mostly trying to convince myself things would or will be better than whatever garbage is going on in my head. Usually it is, but the amount of overthinking and stress I put on myself is far too tiring and I usually just end up crashing, far too tired to go on with the night and ready for some water and reruns of That 70s Show. I wish I was more outgoing, being able to not have a constant wonder or worry of what is going to happen and just kinda going with the flow. But I can’t because once again the fucking Anxiety kicks in like a punch in the nuts.


A kick that sometimes feels like a little kick, and sometimes feels like a god damn steele boot is ready to knock your nuts off. But yet the one place I feel home, the one place I feel comfortable and in my zone is during sporting events. Blue Jays games in the summer especially, and i’m not even really a Jays fan, maybe it is cuz Baseball just works that way, beer in one hand and hotdog in the other while yelling at Alex Rodriguez that he cheated or whatever, or maybe it is just easier to get along with people cuz the worries of life just float away for the 2-3 hours you sit on those bright blue chairs in the 500 level. I write about sports Try to write about sports as much as I can, with some unbias and with some sense of seriousness or fair judge of a player or event. With some emotion going in, but honestly i’m not screaming or booing a player while I write it, and I find that funny to me. Sports is a way out of life’s problems and escapes, to be able to say fuck it with the day and watch a overpaid pitcher threw a fastball down the pipe. No matter how bad or how shitty your day is you can turn the tv on and mostly find some form of fun game or fun sporting event happening that will get you excited at least. I try to use sports as an out, sometimes it works, sometimes the stress from whatever is happening in life is too much on my mind to even let a few hours of fun happen.


So i guess the question is how would be the best way to cope, or maybe the better question is how is there a way to talk about it and not feel like a complete dork. I guess the answer really is there is no way, the best way to really be open about this dumb thing called anxiety is to be excatly that. So i decided I needed help and i saw someone that was able to give me a way to vent, you can only keep this kinda stuff bottled in for so long. But even thinking of that idea and even going up to meet that person was a stressful time for me, the thought of allowing a stranger to know so much about you and the way you function is a huge thing to do let alone think about. But I needed to do that, I had a choice  to run,that was a path of no direction or thought, or do the very thing I am and was afraid of and that is to face my problem head on. It is now 2 am and I am writing this to you while johnny cash is playing, still don’t know why I am writing this, but this is how I cope i guess. Writing and speaking about it is a way I let things spill out, and who knows maybe someone else will speak about their anxiety as well.